Were you riding the gains-train but forgot to get off? Back away slowly from the plate, bro or bro-ette. You’ve gone overbulk!
If building muscle were easy, we’d all strut around looking like Brahma bulls 365/7. Instead, plenty of us bury our snouts in the trough like dairy cows for months on end, and along the way, we create carcasses so marbled, they’re more Kobe beef than Kobe Bryant.
Did that paragraph make you hungry—even though you just ate 15 minutes ago? Then consider this your intervention.
If you’re experiencing any of the following, drop that homemade mass-gainer shake (unless you’re on the second floor; then just set it down gently) and take a good, long look in the mirror. You’ve gone overbulk!
1. You run out of breath just by breathing.
2. You’ve started expressing your weight in stones, even though you live in the states.
3. You consider anything under 1,500 calories a snack.
4. You think of large as small, XL as medium, and XXL as almost large.
5. Your entire wardrobe is stretchy. Even your suits have elastic.
6. Your meals leave you more exhausted than your workouts.
7. You eat past failure with intensity techniques like forced bites, dropsnacks, and extended noms.
8. You wheel a Coleman camp cooler with you to work every day.
9. You weigh your food with a full-size scale.
10. You hang out in the bulk section of the grocery store, because it’s where you feel most comfortable.
11. You’ve given up trying to “fit in”…to anything. But especially pants. And crowded spaces. (Like your pants.)
12. You think the Mountain on “Game of Thrones” looks more like a molehill.
13. You just realized your weight will hit 300 before your bench does.
14. You’ve got your local rancher on speed dial.
15. You have a business membership at Costco…and you’re the business.
16. Yesterday, you set a PR of 4 plates per side, but it was at dinner. You haven’t touched a barbell since last week.
17. You take pre-meal to sustain you through long feeding sessions and help with debilitating jaw DOMS.
18. It took a team of firefighters and the jaws of life to get you out of your singlet after a powerlifting meet.
19. You need your lifting partner to tie your squat shoes and buckle your lifting belt…and tie your headband. And brush your teeth.
20. Three months ago, you could deadlift double your body weight. Now it’s down to body weight. Same weight, though.